Messages
by Andrithir
Summary: A collection of audio messages sent by Adam Winston Shepard throughout key moments of his life, to his mother and sister. (Epistolary)


**A/N: A collection of audio recording/messages at key moments in Shepard's life. Epistolary.**

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2014hrs – August 10****th****, 2171 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Lieutenant Commander Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hi mom, I was in class when dad called. Couldn't take his call… we were watching a documentary on World War Two, by the way. Anyway… he left me a message, saying that you two were at Melanie's dance recital… and that – hah – she was a "tad" upset that her big brother couldn't come.

I guess she still doesn't understand what it's like to be at Royal and be a biotic. She will in time. I guess it's a bit hard, knowing that I can't come home and visit you three as often as I'd like – or is that the other way around since you're posted on ships?

It's easier living with guys in the same situation. As arrogant or snobbish as it may sound, I'm raised alongside talented and gifted guys, dedicated to what they love. People expect more from us, and we expect ourselves to deliver. Of course this means longer school hours and longer school terms.

**[Sighs]**

But every time we watch a Christmas special on the TV… we're a bit sad that we can't be at home with our families. It's a reminder that we are the gifted outliers… that even though we are gifted, it comes at a cost.

Take care, and Merry Christmas.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1922hrs – August 18****th****, 2171 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Lieutenant Commander Hannah Eve Shepard**

We had a transfer student from Jump Zero, Kaidan Alenko. He seems like a good type, but he's quiet and keeps to himself. Really doesn't help with the rumours we've heard about the place.

I know **[clears throat]** that the Alliance has told you that I'm dangerous, and truth be told, I am… in a sense. But that's not the same "dangerous" as the Alliance means. Royal contracts asari teachers, and from what we've heard of Jump Zero, we've got the better hand.

Makes me wonder, you know? Makes me wonder what would have happened if I had been sent to JZ. I probably wouldn't be able to contact you, send you, Dad and Mel messages.

Anyway, when biotic session came around, he was in my group. He was tense, looking at our instructors warily. I asked him what's wrong… he shrugged it off. JZ must've been hell for him. We all knew something was wrong, but we didn't push it… neither did the asari instructors.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1922hrs – November 5****th****, 2172 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Lieutenant Commander Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey… I… I just got your message. **[Sniff]** Oh god… **[Exhales]** I can't believe he's gone… the school – um – the school has given me permission to leave for a while… Um, I'll go catch a shuttle and pick up Melanie from school.

I'll give grandma and grandpa a call too… **[Clears throat]** See you soon, mom.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1922hrs – December 1****st****, 2172 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Lieutenant Commander Hannah Eve Shepard; Melanie Anne Shepard**

Gave both of you a call, but it seemed like I got you at a bad time… anyway, just got some downtime before I start the next chapter of my life. So many people run around looking to find their place in life. Some never find it… or maybe they just don't want to.

For me and Kaidan, and I guess a lot of other guys at Royal, our lives had been planned out by our parents and guardians. There's comfort in the fact that you know where you're supposed to go. But only biotics get the privilege of knowing exactly how and where we're going to end up.

I wonder how different my life would be, if I wasn't a biotic. Maybe I'd end up as an Engineer in the Alliance or maybe I'd be a software engineer, hard to tell. But this is where my life is going, and I find I have few regrets.

Take care; I'll see you at graduation. Wish dad was still here.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1932hrs – December 1****st****, 2174 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: First Lieutenant Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Lieutenant Commander Hannah Eve Shepard; Melanie Anne Shepard**

Hi everyone! I'm calling to tell you that I'll be graduating from the Academy in a few days. I know I haven't called much during training, but I'm a biotic, and according to my aptitude tests, my training program had been extended.

I was sent to the Villa for training, I'll probably return again to complete more courses, but I think some downtime would be nice. I'll arrange a shuttle to go to dad's family estate.

See you soon, and take care. Bye.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2249hrs – November 5****th****, 2175 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: First Lieutenant Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Captain Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey mom, I just – uh… I just wanted to tell you that… that I made it out okay **[clears** **throat]**. Our bird was shot down a few klicks short of the LZ. Those batarian bastards nailed us to the wall. **[Sighs]** They were throwing everything they had at us, and for a while… we held out. But eventually it was just down to me, and Maria.

**[Clears throat]** I watched Maria die, bullet clipped her neck. She pretty much died there and then. Hell of an induction mission, huh? **[Laughs dryly]** My first command and I lose everyone because our bird was shot down. I didn't order them to their deaths, and I didn't know if their sacrificed made a difference. I like to think that we bought the civilians some time to evacuate, but seeing how they had the men to throw at us – doubtful. Yet out of all this… I got an N-Seven recommendation.

God, I don't even know what I did to get this… I thought it was some twisted joke at first, but seeing the serious expression on Captain Anderson's face, I knew it was real. Mom, I really don't know what this means. I'm an N-Five, fresh from training and just lost my first Command. If you have anything, let me know, okay?

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1932hrs – December 25****th****, 2176 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Captain Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey Mom, calling in on you again, but I guess you're asleep right now, so… yeah. Anyway, Kaidan and I finished the N-Six program… they've given us the N-Seven designation for our admirable and professional performance. Flattered… I guess. But it's hard not to forget what got me here in the first place. The instructors said that candidates had to be those who understand loss and sacrifice. I swear I don't know what kind of sacrifice I made… shit… **[Breathes deeply]** my first deployment still haunts me… watching my men get torn apart while they're thrown around the hold… you know, I think I understand where they're going with this. Watching you're men die makes you understand loss and sacrifice, makes you understand the cost.

But **[clears throat]** there's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. I've led a pretty sheltered and privileged life haven't I? Government funded education at Royal and doctors making sure I'm eating correctly and staying healthy. I know that having your every move watched isn't something people would enjoy, but when I think about it – despite the fact they're grooming me to become a weapon, I had it pretty good compared to other candidates in my class. I guess that's why losing my men hit me pretty hard, a part of me always expected me to succeed and victory would come as standard.

Sarah Thornton… she… she grew up in the streets on Earth – an orphan. Had it rough as a kid, started running with the gangs and stopped going to school. Then one day, her friends were gunned down in a drive-by shooting. Can you believe it? Drive-by shootings on Earth – in this day and age. One of her friends was raped by a rival gang… **[Breathes deeply]** shit. Sarah managed to escape. That was a wake-up call for her. She had to find a way out before she ended up as some toy or a body in the river.

So, she enlisted – worked her way through the ladder. She didn't get the same education as I did, and she still managed to do what I accomplished. Since day one she had my respect. I on the other hand – well, she called me a spoilt government brat…. **[Laughs] **I have to say, I find her lack of subtlety refreshing.

Her crass and vulgar attitude however… **[Breathes in sharply]** can't say I'm a big fan. But it does make her very popular… though possibly for the wrong reasons… I'm just saying. Anyway, I got to go, mom. Merry Christmas. Take care, okay?

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1830hrs – January 4****th****, 2177 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Captain Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Melanie Anne Shepard**

Hey lil'sis, I was catching a few Zs when you called… anyway, guy problems huh?

**[Laughs]**

I'm afraid I can't be that much of assistance for you – Royal is a gender segregated school… campus for guys and campus for girls. Interactions weren't exactly long enough to have a "decent" relationship.

But for what it's worth, Dave sounds like a nice guy… talk to him, work with him in class and see how it goes on from there. I'm off-world right now, so I can't fill in as the male interrogator, but mom's going on shore leave soon so she could help you out there.

Talk to you later, okay? Bye.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1730hrs – January 6****th****, 2177 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Captain Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hi mom, just calling in again. First mission as an N7, and for the first time, I can say everything went… smoothly and according to plan. But I wanted to talk to you about another thing.

You and dad fought turians during the First Contact War… did you **[clears throat]**… did you and dad every – I dunno – hate the turians? I mean, people always say it's hard to become friends with your enemies, and I agree – but did you hate the species as whole?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, do you subconsciously hold every single turian responsible for what happened at Shanxi? I never got a chance to ask dad about this, before some batarian bastard killed him… sorry.

When I was with the 81st, we were deployed around the clock on fringe colonies to buy the colonists time should the slavers attack. I mean, we're N5s that's who we are, vanguards and shock troops – the first responders. Every time we'd board a smuggling ship, it's usually human. Every time we fend off a slaver attack, it's batarian. Every time we respond to a distress signal, it's batarian slavers again. Every time we respond to a bogey, it's batarian. When dad's ship was ambushed… it was by the batarians.

When I was at Royal, I was taught that ideology defines your enemies, not what their DNA is. Foe is your opponent who you respect; enemy is an opponent you hate with every fibre of your being. Having enemies is dangerous… Look, what I'm trying to say is… is it bad that I hate batarians? **[Breathes deeply]** Is it bad that I would willingly kill every single one of them – that I consider them my enemies?

I mean I wouldn't every cross that line… but there is a small part of me… willing to destroy everything that they hold dear.

I'm glad that you're a military mom… it helps knowing that there's a family member who understands you. You might not be in the Special Forces, but you're a senior officer, and that counts for something.

Some of the people I know have a tough time calling family… because family doesn't understand what they've been through. But you do, and I'm really happy that you do… but sometimes I ask myself if you are really proud of me? I mean, what kind of mother would be proud of a son that has lost men and killed so many times than the hour of sleep he gets a day? Sorry… we've been running into more batarian pirates lately.

Take care, mom. I'll talk to her later. And before you ask, I've called Melanie.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1303hrs – March 33rd, 2182 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Captain Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey mom. I know you received a message from command saying that I was MIA. I can't say that I'm proud of what I did, but um **[clears throat]** it had to be done.

We were in orbit over Westershire when the slavers attacked. Kaidan and his team were deployed south of the colony, and I dropped in from the north. We did a LO-LO jump so that the shuttles could start hammering the batarians with their guns.

When we made landfall, we started to coordinate a defence strategy with law-enforcement and militia. We retreated to this courtyard and prepared for a final stand, wait until the cavalry arrived. But the batarians were so many; they'd also enlisted the help of the Blood Pack.

**[Sighs]**

Damn… I'd never seen so many krogans charge us that day. They just ripped through us, men and women just turned to bloodied smears. I kept on shooting my rifle until the cooling-tech gave up.

Kaidan and I began resorting to our biotic and tech combo. We managed to kill a few krogans, one of them a warlord. But I guess the "glory" of it was lost on us. We were in the fight for our lives. We were the only ones left. Our team were KIA, and the slavers were more than happy to sacrifice themselves to kill us. The entire courtyard was turned into a blackened arena from all the explosives tossed onto the field.

But at least we did what we came to do; cover civilian escape and let the corvette bug out. From there, Kaidan and I employed escape and evasion tactics. Eventually we were separated when we entered the forest. My COMs were fried and I don't think Kaidan was able to get an SOS out either. I was so **[breathes in deeply]** sure that we were going to die on that planet. So sure of it.

For days, I was alone, surviving on the small amount of food and water I could find. But I'm a L3 biotic; I couldn't just survive on scavenged scraps alone. I knew that the same would go for Kaidan and he's an L2. Eventually, fatigue and migraines were going to get the better of us.

After a day or so, I caught wind that Kaidan had been captured, and the batarians were interrogating him for my location. Apparently N7s have a huge bounty on their heads – I wonder why.

Acting alone, I decided to go and rescue him… no Intel… no rifle… no food, just on pure steam alone. I managed to find Kaidan. They were keeping him in a compound not too far away from where my team and I had touched down.

I did what I had to do to get him out of there… shit, he was in bad shape. The batarians… god. I carried him out, and I remember smelling his blood… there was just so much of it, I didn't know he was going to live. I raided what I could, and hauled him into the forest. I did what I could, but they were going to find us.

A few hours later, the batarians and Blood Pack come looking for us. Fuck… there was so many of them. One of the krogan leaders managed to out flank my position. He roared something about me killing his battle master. I didn't care; I blasted his face off with a shotgun. And just when I thought I was going to die… Sarah and her team came in to rescue us.

I remember thanking her so many times I lost count. I never realised how much I could've been annoying her, except she wasn't annoyed. She had that understanding look in her eyes. My second command… that day, I lost my second command and almost my best friend.

The more I think about it, the harder I find it is to forgive the batarians. Every single one I run into wants to put my head on a pike or enslave our people.

Sorry… I guess I'm still worked up from it all. I guess the good news is that our group is now rotated through for a month of leave. Would be nice if my team and Kaidan's were still here.

Tell Melanie I'm safe and well – we're off rotation now – but I don't think I'm going to be able to stay around long these holidays.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2356hrs – June 25****th****, 2182 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Captain Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard; Melanie Anne Shepard**

Hey, I saw both of your messages. Sorry I couldn't answer them, I was out with Sarah. I'll be able to attend your musical recital Melanie, we'll all be there.

Good luck, kiddo.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1001hrs – November 7****th****, 2182 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Captain Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

With our teams gone, Command had merged me and Kaidan into a two-man team, on the first of November. I guess it's for the best, considering how many men and women I've lost.

**[Sniffs and clears throat]**

We were attached to Sarah's outfit when we got ambushed. This time it wasn't just batarians, there was an army of freelancer merc groups. I guess it would make it difficult to trace the funding… but we all know it's the Hegemony. Only they have that much disposable resource.

**[Breathes heavily]**

Kaidan and I were separated again when a bunch of humans jumped us. He decided to delay them and lead the other groups away from Sarah's last known position. I found her team dead, and a trail of blood leading away from the site.

I followed her transponder across the mountains and eventually I arrived at their compound, waited till dark before infiltrating. I managed to get to her on the fifth of November, but it was too late by then. The men… they had… fucking hell… they… she wasn't a biotic; no way she could've defended herself.

**[Sniffs]**

Her pale skin was covered in so much blood and bruises, I… I did what I could to cover her up and stabilise her. But there was only so much medi-gel could do. She made her final requests before we said our goodbyes, and she died… right there in my arms.

I have no regrets about hunting. Every. Last. One of those fucking assholes down. I made sure they knew I was coming; I wanted them to see their death coming… ignorance is bliss, right? No way in hell I was going to let them leave without knowing. Asari, krogan, batarian, turian, salarian, human…. I didn't care, they were all the same to me.

I made them kneel… I made them beg… and then, I let void slowly take them away. No regrets, mom. They all deserved it. I'd do it all over again if I had to.

But I'm getting a medal for it. That was the one thing that bothered me. I was getting a fucking medal for hunting the mercs. Maybe I do regret it… but I know this, if I hadn't stopped them, they'd still go on raping and pillaging. I know Sarah would've done the same had it been me.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1232hrs – November 12****th****, 2182 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Captain Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey mom… it's been a long week. Kaidan and I had been spending our time tracking down Sarah's old friends and distant relatives. **[Sniffs]** She left a will behind… detailing every wrong she had done, every friend she had lost and so on.

All the money she had earned over the years, she gave to me, so that I could do what she couldn't. I went back to Earth with Kaidan and we started at square one, Detroit in North America. We looked for one of her old friends… Michelle, who was still alive – she was the one who… well, anyway. By pure luck, she had managed to survive the streets and become a detective… against all the odds, she did it.

I can remember the look in her eyes when she saw two N7s in full dress blues, knocking at her door. She lived in a nice apartment complex near the city centre, and made frequent trips to the narrows for work reasons. But she never forgot Sarah, never forgot what Sarah had said to her before they parted ways.

They lost touch soon after that, but Michelle held onto the hope that she would see Sarah again. When we were there, she already knew what had happened. She was just so surprised to see how far Sarah had gotten.

I remembered what Orson Welles once said, "If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story."

I told Michelle about the story of how a kid in the streets grew up and survived the odds to become an N7, saved two government pet projects, and sacrificed her life to protect a colony. I left out our final goodbyes, Michelle didn't need to know that… but I think she already knew.

For the rest of the day, Michelle drove us around the streets where we could check up on other people that had known Sarah… and were still alive.

**[Clears throat]**

Sarah had managed to make her final years a good one. Most of the people I met were addicts, dealers, pimps and prostitutes. They were hostile to the three of us – Michelle especially. But when I told them about Sarah, about how… how she climbed the ladder in the Alliance… they were all silent.

To them, she had been some kid causing trouble, some kid with enough mettle to be a leader… an upstart. Then the years flyby and they hear that, that one kid, had become an Officer. When she left the Tenth Street Reds, they didn't care about her anymore. To them, she was off grid.

Her messages told me that Finch, and one of the other gang leaders was a real asshole. Kaidan and I were more than happy to send them her final message.

**[Sniffs and exhales]**

We visited the school she "went" to, talked to the teachers and the board of staff. They were just as surprised to what Sarah had done with her life.

After that, Michelle took us to the stores Sarah and her gang had robbed; a few jewellers, a clothes store and a convenience store. She had pretty much listed down how much she stole and how much she owed. I visited the store managers and owners, paid what was owed, and if they had moved on, I tracked them down.

I wanted Sarah's life, Sarah's story to end on a good note. With Michelle's help, we searched for any distant relative, there were a few, but none knew her directly. Still they were more than happy to attend her funeral. **[Breathes deeply]** I'm not going to lie, I really wanted to hit them, she was their family, and they left her in the streets. They didn't go looking for her, nor did they care. I made sure that I told them everything; I wanted them to feel how I felt, what it was like to lose her…

**[Sniffs]**

I miss her, mom. I miss her so much. I had already filled out the papers to become an instructor at N-School, and I was ready to hand them in…

**[Clears throat]**

The funeral was – um – a short affair. We invited everyone that knew Sarah or was related to her. I made doubly sure that we had honour guards posted everywhere, just in case the gangs wanted to do something stupid.

We buried her by the sea, next to her parents. It's what she wanted.

Bye mom, I love you.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1032hrs – June 5****th****, 2183 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Lieutenant Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

I guess Admiral Hackett would've told you by now about my new posting. I can't say where, but they've put me and Kaidan on a ship as Captain Anderson's Officers. Never thought I'd be at the helm, but life takes you to places you'll never expect.

Anyway, I got to go, I'll call you later.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1032hrs – June 5****th****, 2183 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Lieutenant Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey mom, sorry I haven't called in a while. By now you and Mel would've seen it all over the news. I'm the first human Spectre. It's a great honour and all... but they've asked me to do the impossible… I can't talk much about it, but you shouldn't lose any sleep over it.

**[Laughs]**

Hell, maybe I shouldn't have told you about it in the first place.

Anyway, take care. I'll see you again soon.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
1032hrs – June 5****th****, 2183 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Lieutenant Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Haven't called in a while, but things have been hectic on my end… I um… I wanted to tell you that I'm okay, and that I've defeated Saren… maybe you don't believe me on this, but something big is about to happen.

_Sovereign_ was not a geth creation, it – he was alive, and he was controlling Saren… Machines have long surpassed us, mom… it's just a matter of time now, before we arrive at the precipice which will decide our fate.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
0913hrs – July 7****th****, 2185 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey mom, it's me. Look, I can't tell you much about what's happened. But I promise I will soon. Just know that I'm alive and well… and tell Mel that I'm sorry for missing her high school graduation.

I hope you are well... when we meet again, I'll tell you everything. Just know that I have upgraded implants now. That's all I can say… about me that is.

I… I guess you would've heard about the missing colonies right now… I'm with a Task Force investigating their disappearances… and – uh – it's messy work. I mean… the colonies are clean, just like everyone had got up and left quietly, but finding the clues…

I have a lot on my plate right now… might not be able to call as often, but know that I'm still out there.

I should probably call Mel now… but maybe that might not be the best idea… I dunno. Saw the… uh… the news bulletins of the first _Normandy_ being destroyed… I have my work cut out right now… Call you again soon. Love you both.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
0913hrs – December 3****rd****, 2185 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Remember what I called you about… all those years ago? Probably not… but um… I turned myself over to the tribunal. I can't say much… but I'd love to see you. I think you'll be able to get the details from Hackett and Anderson.

I did what I had to do, mom. The Reapers are here, and I hope that what I did… bought us some time. **[Sighs]** We'll know when this is all over.

Hope to see you soon, mom. I love you.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2138hrs – January 7****th****, 2186 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

I uh… I guess this time, I only have bad news. The Reapers hit us pretty hard… despite having a few fleets in orbit, they still burned through us. God… I – I saw a boy die. He'd gotten onto an evac shuttle… by himself, I think his family was killed during the first push.

I know what it feels like, to feel like you're going to make it out alive. I had that feeling the first time the PJs pulled me onto their shuttle. I know the boy would've had that feeling. The feeling that his life was now in the hands of someone more capable, and that he was going to live to see another day.

Then… then **[exhales deeply]** a Reaper shoots the bird down, and wipes out the entire pier. I was on the _Normandy_ when I saw that happen. All those soldiers, getting those people off world and then seeing that their efforts were in vain. I –uh – I can understand that… having all your hopes crushed in a single moment.

**[Sniffs]**

Admiral Anderson reinstated me before he left to join the resistance. I wish he was here, mom. I wish he was on the _Normandy_ with me. But he's back on Earth, and I'm… god, I don't even know what I'm doing half the time.

Sometimes, I catch myself thinking what it would be like if Sarah and dad was still around. Kaidan's here, but it's just not the same… he's – um – been voicing concerns about how I came back. Damn it – out of the fucking things he had to bring up it had to be that… **[Sighs and clears throat]** I know what needs to be done, but the "how" part… my guess is good as the next person.

I'll call you when I can, okay mom? Stay safe.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2138hrs – January 22****nd****, 2186 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

I uh… I remembered some things dad and I used to do together, when he was on shore leave and I had school holidays. He took me to this park, owned by the alliance for combat exercises – asked me if I wanted to have a go at it.

At the time… at the time back then, I… I wanted to prove myself. Wanted to show him that I was soldier material. So I said yes. They would be sending recruits to find me, and I would have to do my best to pick them off, simple enough.

But there was one thing I noticed when I said yes… dad didn't say, "great, son," or anything else along those lines. He just gave me this soft smile and said, **[clears throat]** "good luck."

These recruits were older than me, but they weren't biotics, they were just people enlisting. I thought they were easy prey at the time… but little did I know, it was a trap.

I lasted out in the fields for a few days, relying on the survival skills the asari instructors had taught me. But I couldn't just survive on berries alone. I was using too much strength, when I should've been conserving.

On day four, dad entered the field. **[Exhales]** I swear he tracked me down so fast… but I remember thinking, "I can take him," so I did. Except, he was so much more experienced… and I was beaten. So after we left the site, he took me to a lodge where I could rest up before we went out to pick Melanie up, and go to dinner.

I was so out of it, that night. I kept thinking what I did wrong, and a small voice inside of me said that it was wrong for dad to throw me against the pack of wolves.

**[Breathes deeply]**

I… I went to bed angry, that night.

It wasn't until when dad was gone… I realised what his lesson was. "Learn to pick your fights, and hubris is a curse. Never deviate from the goal." I'd already failed his first lesson when I accepted the challenge… I should've known that it would've been too easy that there was going to be a twist to it. I should've evaded instead of hunting the recruits – they were distractions. My objective was to outlast until the timer ran out… I could've used psychological tacitcs, because those guys didn't know what they would be up against.

I took his lesson to heart, made sure that I could save men where I could… of course those times have been rare… but… but at least they counted when they did.

**[Pause]**

I saw Palaven burning, mom. I saw a huge blaze of orange where Garrus grew up.

Bloody hell… how are we supposed to fight the Reapers? We didn't even picked them… there were so may _Sovereign_–class ships it was insane.

I tell everyone that we can do this, I keep telling everyone that there's a way to win… but I… I really doubt it. How do you defeat something that has been wiping out galactic life for eons? To them, we're just another group for harvesting… just one more to add in their line of conquests.

The Prothean we found recently, Javik. He seems just as sceptical about our odds for victory. He's seen the worst the Reapers have to offer – an I uh… I saw it too – in his memories… we're only at the beginning of this unending nightmare.

And then there's Cerberus… they're undermining us… I don't know if we can actually win, mom… but I'll give it my best shot.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2138hrs – September 18****th****, 2186 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

Nobody ever gets their act together… don't they? Not in Javik's cycle, not in our cycle. When the Salarian Dalatrass had offered me a deal… I couldn't take it. I couldn't condemn the krogan to their hell again. But at least… at least it all worked out in the end. But at the cost of Mordin's life.

**[Sniffs]**

Then there was the whole Geth-Quarian war… I mean fucking hell… what's wrong with these people?

**[Exhales]**

There's a war going on… a war against the Reapers, and the quarians decides it's a brilliant idea to start a war to retake their homeworld… why? The excuse they gave made me want to just leave their fight and let the geth kill them. It… it was insanity, mom. At least the civilians didn't want a war. That was the only reason I stuck around.

When I went into pull them out from the shit storm they got themselves into… Han'Gerrel decides to order his fleet to fire upon the Geth Dreadnought… while my team and I were still on board.

**[Sighs]**

Dammit… I use to like the man last year. Now he's just some crazy asshole running the fucked up show.

I um… I entered the geth consensus, mom. It was strange, and it was… tragic to learn of their history. If I hadn't saved Korris… I would've let the entire quarian fleet burn. I was so… done with them.

I don't think Tali knew I was willing to let her people die… I don't think anyone else knows. At least it turned out alright in the end. Never thought I'd say this… but… to hear Legion refer to himself as "I" instead of "we"… that was one of the most beautiful things I had ever witnessed.

When I think about it more… this… all of this, has happened countless times over. The Reapers have wiped out countless lives… it's easy to forget that they don't wipe out all life. But when I think about it… how many cycles has taken before us… how many forgotten stories and struggles like ours have been experienced before? How many versions of _me_ lived before I came along?

All these lives, all their stories… it's just… sad. Just depressing to know that what I've been through, had happened dozens of time before… and all that experience, all that knowledge… just gone.

I know I'm not supposed to lose hope now, but has anyone ever stopped and thought, "what about the leaders? What's their morale boost?"

I keep spouting of bullshit about the ones I love keeping me through this… and in part that is true. Hell, the only reason why I do this, is because of you, Mel, Kaidan and anyone else I consider family and friend. But the other reason is… well as stupid as it sounds… who else is there to do it? If I won't, who would? Would Tali allowed the Geth to live? No, she said that herself.

That's really why I'm still here. It's what my purpose is…

**[Indistinct calls]**

Got to go, mom. I'll call again later.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2138hrs – October 3****rd****, 2186 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

I guess you would've heard it on the news by now, huh? Commander Shepard goes insane… well… long story short… I had a clone. My clone wanted to kill me so he could take over my life… but who the hell would want my life? Honestly?

When I look back on what I've done… who would want those memories?

**[Clears throat]**

I beat my clone… and offered him mercy… he – uh – refused, chose death over life. Goddamn, I… **[Sighs]** I wonder how different things would've been if there was both of us… but it doesn't matter. I want to enjoy a bit of R'n'R before I get back into it again.

Bye, mom.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2138hrs – October 23****rd****, 2186 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Commodore Hannah Eve Shepard**

I was on Thessia, today… we were so close, mom. So damn close to ending this… fucking hell we were so close. But Ol'Timmy had to go in and fuck us all over.

I know Thessia would've fallen… but at least… at least it would've been a short occupation. We need to end this… and soon. The asari are excellent at using hit and run strategies… but… **[Sighs]** the Reapers can shrug of anything the asari throw at them.

**[Clears throat]**

Liara is in tears… I know that feeling – having to leave home and not being able to defend it. Kaidan's keeping her company, trying to keep her calm. I don't think it's having much effect – especially with Javik on board.

As much as I agree with him, there's a time and place for everything. Now is not the time, not ever.

I'll call you back mom, bye.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
2134hrs – November 4****th****, 2186 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Melanie Anne Shepard**

Hey, Mel… I hope all is well with you and mom. You have no idea how happy I was when I heard you had managed to get off world. I'd been meaning to call, but it looks like you're sleeping right now.

Be safe, okay? And if I don't make it back, look after Mom. She's been through enough. I love you, both of you. If all goes well, I'll see you shortly.

**XXxxXX**

**Audio Message  
0020hrs – November 5****th****, 2186 (Standard Alliance Military Calendar)  
From: Commander Adam Winston Shepard  
To: Rear Admiral Hannah Eve Shepard**

Hey mom… just calling in, and – uh- I guess you're busy. I'm recording this message for you in case anything goes wrong. I know you say that I sugar coat everything, but to be honest, I think that all depends on your point of view.

**[Clears throat]**

I've never been that much of a… well; I try to look at things… optimistically.

**[Laughs dryly]**

But – heh – I guess the messages I've sent you over the years say otherwise. I try to see the best of what my situation is… and I guess they've all been the ones that always clog the fan. Especially on November fifth… damn…

**[Breathes deeply]**

In a few hours, the fate of the galaxy will be decided. Everyone here is ready to give it all they got… but we already know the stakes. We know who we've lost.

Despite how optimistic everyone is… I can't help but feel this is the end… for me. It's been… it's been a hell of a ride… and – uh – it has to end soon.

Sometimes I wonder what dad would say if he was still here - seeing us fighting the Reapers. Or how different my story would've been hadn't I lost my first command as an N5… and if Maria was here. Maybe Sarah would be the hero of the galaxy and the first human Spectre instead, and would it be me or Kaidan who'd become the second or third human Spectre. Or what if I had taken a planet-side post and settled down with Sarah, maybe Kaidan would've been the first human Spectre.

All speculation, I know. And realistically, I know that with what Kaidan and I had been born with and how we had been raised, we still would've played a huge role in all of this. Maybe not as spectacular as destroying the Collector home world, or being rebuilt from "nothing but meat and tubes," or meeting the Reapers' creators – but it definitely would be up there… somewhere.

Somehow, I know that the final push, the final catalyst, the final decision, lies with me and the Catalyst and the Crucible. I'm honoured I guess **[scoffs]**. Whatever I have to do, to end all of this, I wonder what it would cost me, or how it would all end. How the story of my life would end.

I think about how I was… I was only a kid when I first killed someone… only a kid when I lost my first Command… I was only nineteen then.

**[Breathes deeply]**

One hell of a journey…

Remember what Orson Welles said, mom. When you tell everyone about my story – tell them the story of a privileged kid, growing up at Royal and being raised into a soldier… not a weapon. Tell them, how that kid, met Maria, Sarah, Kaidan and the Normandy Crew, and then became Commander Shepard just in time to stop the Reapers, with brothers and sisters in arms at his side. Then, end it there.

**[Clears throat]**

That should keep everyone smiling. That should keep Melanie happy…

Take care, mom. I love you. If I don't see you before I see dad, I'll say hi and tell him you love him.

Bye mom, all the best.

**XXxxXX**

**A/N: Originally, I had written these excerpts to be put into one of my other stories as a chapter opening in order to provide more of a background to the Shepard I've created.**

**However, after writing this much, and sending it to Carleen for beta work; she told me that this could be a standalone story as well. So here it is. I hope you've all enjoyed it. This is the second time I've used a BroShep, so please leave a review and tell me what you think.**

**-Andrithir**


End file.
